Saturday, January 22, 2011

Sexual Stats: Who Wins the MVP Award?

Status: Actively Dating
Sanity: Waxing and Waning

Would dating be easier if there were sexual stats trading cards? Is there a way to objectively evaluate someone's sexual experience? Let's say for the sake of silliness that sexual know-how could be quantified. Each player's achievements would be summarized in a handy wallet-size format along with a Pythagorean expectation or estimate of expected winning percentage.This is written tongue-in-cheek so try to enjoy it in that spirit, sports fans! 

The first design problem is establishing general categories of what's valued in sexual interaction. As a straight single woman on a dating site, I've been approached by guys who want to send me pics of their dicks. If these men had their way, one side of the sex stats trading card would be devoted to their penis, including a glossy photo, dimensions, how many wet towels it holds and other trivia which might fascinate those blokes who check out each other's genitals while standing side-by-side at urinals, but bat size isn't everything!

Unless you've been living under a rock, you know the baseball metaphor for physical intimacy which is fundamentally flawed in that it dictates a universal progression of activity.
  1. First base is commonly understood to be any form of mouth to mouth kissing, especially open lip (“French”) kissing.
  2. Second base refers to tactile stimulation of the genitals over clothes, or of the female breasts.
  3. Third base refers to groping naked genitals (handjob or fingering), or oral sex.
  4. Home run (or rounding the bases, scoring a run, hitting a home run, scoring, going all the way, coming home, etc.) is the act of penetrative intercourse.
Using this ridiculous hierarchical reference, each card would report numbers for the amount of times a player had engaged in each interaction - French, feel, finger, fuck, respectively. Who keeps track? As if! At best, a person could identify preferences. True afficienados of particular activities could endorse personal techniques. Perhaps a 'premium' edition card would include an endearing story such as "The First Girl I Fingered." These biographical elements would be better received than a gold-foil condom insert boasting inflated batting averages, trust me.

So, what information would be featured in forecasting a player's ability to hit one out of the park? If we take this absurd metaphor to its ungainly conclusion, the 'numbers' equate to a sexual yardstick for measuring a person's carnal talents. This kind of sexual calculus is totally bogus. The characteristics that make a sexual experience pleasurable aren't the kind that can be described in a competitive format. The MVP goes to someone who is self-aware, communicative, and able to enjoy sensuality in all its forms.


  1. I feel like I showed you this before, but it's hilarious so here you go again. :D

  2. Yep, you pointed the way hehe. Michael Ian Black's Letters to "The First Girl [He] Fingered" were the inspiration for that little extra one might find on the premium edition cards.