Monday, February 28, 2011

The Lone Ranger

The Gap

There's been a *slight* gap in my posts since I've been busy getting to know people or weeding out candidates for sexual relations in Clinton-esque jargon. The three bachelors from yore are still around, but my interest in them has abated and they are aware of this. It's not that I always fall for the new and shiny person who surfaces in my life, but when you realize you like someone, the others pale by comparison. My interest in a particular person is relative to the quality and quantity of adult males I'm currently juggling.

The Caveat

I've issued a disclaimer on the site to the effect that I'm getting to know several people and it's probably best not to contact me, but it seems to have had the opposite effect of what I intended. Maybe it provoked the alpha male competitive instinct or inspired the white knight rescue fantasy. Perhaps it's like that phenomenon where people slow down at a roadside collision wondering what all the fuss is about. At any rate, the number of contacts has exploded exponentially.

The Trends

At first, I figured guys just weren't getting the message so I restated it more clearly. Yea, guess how well that worked?  Back to Plan A: I'm leaving that 'don't message me' message up in its original form. If men contact me in full awareness that my time and interest are divided among many, that's their business. To this end, I have started noticing peculiar trends among the unfair sex.

The Lone Ranger

This is a guy's tendency to take distance then check up on me at seemingly arbitrary intervals. For example, this man will initiate contact then pull a disappearing act at some point in the getting to know you process. I  register his absence under the category of "he's just not that into me." So, when he pops back up again on my radar, I used to ask myself, "What's up with that?"

What I've realized is that if someone likes me he might "test" how much I like him by withdrawing and seeing if I contact him in the meantime. I'm not one to chase a man in cyberspace so I don't bother rounding up strays. When the wayward traveller re-emerges in an hour, a week, a month, or whatever time span it happens to be, I'm not exactly surprised to see him. A man can only hide his interest for so long before he feels compelled to act on it.

When The Lone Ranger reappears on the horizon, I generally remember his name, personal details, and my interest level is about the same as it was before his leave-taking but now I've got a question mark in my head about whether he treats dating like being tagged in some kind of catch-and-release program.

You see, there are *other* men who communicate their interest directly. They ask point blank about their relative status. These types have enough confidence to appreciate that whatever answer they get is not a reflection on themselves. They don't play hide-and-seek. There is always a dance of intimacy, but it's a partnered activity where you know your partner's moves.

A gap in communication could simply be a matter of competing real life priorities or new lust interests. If I have too much on my plate or I become preoccupied with the lust object of the moment, I lose track of virtual bachelors. I've posted my 'don't message me' message to avoid such an imbalance. I sometimes slip up despite the best intentions so I don't automatically assign murky motives to the characters who turn up again. Life happens.

Like the other group of guys I describe, however, I'm assertive about my interest in someone. I can't be bothered to play that game of 'who's less interested.' I'll express my interest in someone so that I make myself understood. I'll ask the questions that tell me what I need to know. The Lone Ranger here-you-see-me-now-you-don't could  be innocuous as a transient episode. If it becomes a pattern, however, my interest is proportional to the mutual investment of time and energy.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Some Conditions May Apply

More, more, more!

When I first started using the online dating site, I was looking for 'just friends.' The question men most often asked me was, "Why don't you want to have sex?" Now that I've indicated I'm open to short-term dating, which is not synoymous with screwing, by the way, the question has become, "Why aren't you interested in a long-term relationship?" *shakes head*

Each time I draw a line in the sand, guys test the boundaries. It must be true that people want what they can't have. Guys are rushing to fill in the gap with 'the next level' of intimacy. I wonder if they actually want more or are moreover spurred by the challenge to change my mind.

I've answered this question a few too many times. I'm going to post a response in my journal on the site. If I finish my Owner's Manual, it'd likely be found under FAQs in the chapter on emotional availability. I haven't thought of a title for that section, yet.

Clarity comes from knowing the context for my choice.

First, I'm not interested in a fast fuck nor am I fixated on finding The One. I'm not gagging for sex and I'm not blindly chasing an ideal. To quote Stein, 'I need a man like a fish needs a bicycle.'

Second, I'm in a period of transition. I expect to be moving around the next couple of years. I'll be relocating for school then for work. I've got zero interest in long-distance relationships.

Third, I don't have my 'ticket.' I've been separated for over a year but the divorce is not finalized. I'm tying up loose ends before advertising potential emotional availability. (The idea is laughable from this vantage point.)

Fourth, I'm going through a selfish phase. I want what I want when I want it. I'm not even remotely interested in you, me, and a U-haul. Coupledom is not my intention.

You need to pre-accept the terms of interaction before we get into the mix.

1. There is an unwritten expiration date on our association.

2. There is no expectation of exclusivity.

3. In case of emergency, we respect one another's humanity.

*If you develop real feelings and they're reciprocated, it would be a miracle.
*If you develop real feelings and they're not reciprocated, I will talk you off the ledge.
*If I develop real feelings and they're reciprocated, I will happily consume massive helpings of humble pie.
*If I develop real feelings and they're not reciprocated, dixie cups of platonic love to cross the Sahara of suffering would be appreciated, but not necessary.

Read the fine print.

There's room for discussion depending on individual interests.

If you want to know 'where you stand,' I'll tell you. I'm not here to play of game of who's less interested.

If you want monogamy, ask for it. It happens to be my default setting so I'll consider it.

to be continued...

Friday, February 4, 2011

Owner's Manual: How to Cream My Jeans

I want a clever title for a chapter about my sexy self. Eve Ensler's "Vagina Monlogues" makes for a tempting yet unoriginal title. This blog is me thinking out loud - witness the chaos - as I figure out how to describe what I find arousing to titillate and inform a potential partner.

I like to speak in metaphor so I could break down my sexual appetite by presenting the ideal sexual experience for me in menu format. Hrm. List appetizers (favourite foreplay), main course (preferred positions), and dessert (fantasy, sweet nothings). It's got possibilities.

Ok, let's see...what rhymes with vagina? China. Time-ah. Pizza. I already referenced the article 'Sex is like pizza' in another post so that's out of the running. I could commit a cardinal sin and combine both unoriginal ideas in an orginal way..."Want a slice of pizza then let's talk about my vagina."Oh God, save me from myself. How lame! Fuuuuck.

Alright, that's it. I'm moving onto the content of the piece. No more rhyming games. First, I'd have a spiel about the qualities that turn me on like intelligence, humour, and compassion. Then I'd point readers to an earlier post about the look that makes me go ga-ga. The nitty gritty of it, though, would go beyond mental orgasms and animal attraction to get into more personal details.

What do I like in bed? "I'm looking for an adventurous guy to explore my sexual geography. My erogenous zones include my ears, neck, shoulder, sides, and the usual suspects." Well, it's not a bad start, but it's not great. The theme of mapping out touchable topography to discover sensitive zones is a workable metaphor.

"Cuchi is my word for my vagina. I figure I should introduce you two since you might be getting to know one another." Wow, that makes me sound like a wacko. Memo to Me: do not infantilize genitals.It's worse than being clinical. Ugh. I'm not a fan of the word 'pussy'. There's got to be a word for crotch that feels hot.

I like the word cock. I like pump, too, if used in in a sentence like, "I'm gonna pump you hard" Ewww. That's so cheesy in black and white. In bed, I want a man to use wordplay to turn me on. It's the best of both worlds. No silent sex for me. Oh hell no. I crave the noises of pleasure. Caveat: 'Oh baby' is a worn out broken record, so if that's your idea of sweet nothings, grunts are better. Either make it funny, personalize it, or keep it to moans and heavy breathing. And saying it while breathing hot and heavy into my ear is...gooood.

It ratchets up my horniness to know my partner's having a good time. A man's facial expression, body language, and comments are my undoing. The more his desire shines in his eyes, slickens his skin, and alternately softens or sharpens his moans or cries, the more it revs me up. Hell, I'm getting interested just typing this. 

One particular set of words I like to hear is how wet or hot or tight I feel. It doesn't matter who says it. I pimp out adjectives to get my juices flowing as much as I enjoy hearing a man tell me all about it. I'm such a word whore. It's important to remember that the biggest sex organ is the one between my ears so verbal appreciation for how I look and what I'm doing has major dividends.

I spontaneously tell my partner what a great lover he is in a continuous feedback loop. I'm a passionate lover and I want to make my partner feel like he's all that matters. I've found that the surest way to enjoy myself is to put my partner's needs before my own. The desperate tug inside me that burns through my senses is fuelled by knowing I'm doing what my partner likes and driving him over the edge. His thirst for my touch spurs my lust. It's a neverending cycle of mutual pleasure from savouring each other in the moment, insulated from the world and devoted to one another's bliss.  

Speaking of mutual satisfaction and the them of giving and receiving, oral sex is a must on the 'to do' list. I'm not saying it has to happen every single time, in fact, I like to get finger fucking almost as much as someone going down on me. The key is that a person is comfortable with both performing and accepting oral pleasure.

One guy I've been talking to recently admitted he's got next to zero experience in oral sex. After I recovered from the shock of it, I was inwardly groaning about training someone in the how-to's. Then I got excited. I like being in charge. It'd be great to have a tabula rasa. I could teach someone exactly what works for me. I'm hellbound; not evil, but definitely naughty. I was hoping to find a guide to hasten my downward spiral, but corrupting the heavenbound would have its perks.

As with any man I invite to my bed, my goal would be to discover what rocks his world. I look forward to trying my bag of tricks to see what technique is the best form of sweet torture in bringing him to climax. It ain't over 'til the hot guy cums. Oh how I delight in taking someone close to the point of no return and bringing them down again so they want it all the more. Booyah. Eventually, I put someone out of their misery (begging not required, but awesome all the same).

Speaking of screaming, I could  go into the language of my sexual escalation. I'm expressive. For my part, the more excited I get, the more my mind goes blank. A good fuck renders me inarticulate. Imagine that.

The coital continuum:
Stage 1 - Guidance: "Oh that feels good. Do that again. Right there. Mmm, just like that."
Stage 2 - Placation: "I want you inside me."
Stage 3 - Losing Coherence: "Oh fuuuuck."
Stage 4 - Monosyllabic or action words: "Yea!" "Ohhhh." "Harder!" "Faster!"
Stage 5 - Obscenity and divinity: "Oh fuck, oh God, oh my fucking God. Holy fuck."
Stage 6 - Incapable of speech: ohhhhhhhmmmnnnuhhh...

More to come... :P