Friday, February 4, 2011

Owner's Manual: How to Cream My Jeans

I want a clever title for a chapter about my sexy self. Eve Ensler's "Vagina Monlogues" makes for a tempting yet unoriginal title. This blog is me thinking out loud - witness the chaos - as I figure out how to describe what I find arousing to titillate and inform a potential partner.

I like to speak in metaphor so I could break down my sexual appetite by presenting the ideal sexual experience for me in menu format. Hrm. List appetizers (favourite foreplay), main course (preferred positions), and dessert (fantasy, sweet nothings). It's got possibilities.

Ok, let's see...what rhymes with vagina? China. Time-ah. Pizza. I already referenced the article 'Sex is like pizza' in another post so that's out of the running. I could commit a cardinal sin and combine both unoriginal ideas in an orginal way..."Want a slice of pizza then let's talk about my vagina."Oh God, save me from myself. How lame! Fuuuuck.

Alright, that's it. I'm moving onto the content of the piece. No more rhyming games. First, I'd have a spiel about the qualities that turn me on like intelligence, humour, and compassion. Then I'd point readers to an earlier post about the look that makes me go ga-ga. The nitty gritty of it, though, would go beyond mental orgasms and animal attraction to get into more personal details.

What do I like in bed? "I'm looking for an adventurous guy to explore my sexual geography. My erogenous zones include my ears, neck, shoulder, sides, and the usual suspects." Well, it's not a bad start, but it's not great. The theme of mapping out touchable topography to discover sensitive zones is a workable metaphor.

"Cuchi is my word for my vagina. I figure I should introduce you two since you might be getting to know one another." Wow, that makes me sound like a wacko. Memo to Me: do not infantilize genitals.It's worse than being clinical. Ugh. I'm not a fan of the word 'pussy'. There's got to be a word for crotch that feels hot.

I like the word cock. I like pump, too, if used in in a sentence like, "I'm gonna pump you hard" Ewww. That's so cheesy in black and white. In bed, I want a man to use wordplay to turn me on. It's the best of both worlds. No silent sex for me. Oh hell no. I crave the noises of pleasure. Caveat: 'Oh baby' is a worn out broken record, so if that's your idea of sweet nothings, grunts are better. Either make it funny, personalize it, or keep it to moans and heavy breathing. And saying it while breathing hot and heavy into my ear is...gooood.

It ratchets up my horniness to know my partner's having a good time. A man's facial expression, body language, and comments are my undoing. The more his desire shines in his eyes, slickens his skin, and alternately softens or sharpens his moans or cries, the more it revs me up. Hell, I'm getting interested just typing this. 

One particular set of words I like to hear is how wet or hot or tight I feel. It doesn't matter who says it. I pimp out adjectives to get my juices flowing as much as I enjoy hearing a man tell me all about it. I'm such a word whore. It's important to remember that the biggest sex organ is the one between my ears so verbal appreciation for how I look and what I'm doing has major dividends.

I spontaneously tell my partner what a great lover he is in a continuous feedback loop. I'm a passionate lover and I want to make my partner feel like he's all that matters. I've found that the surest way to enjoy myself is to put my partner's needs before my own. The desperate tug inside me that burns through my senses is fuelled by knowing I'm doing what my partner likes and driving him over the edge. His thirst for my touch spurs my lust. It's a neverending cycle of mutual pleasure from savouring each other in the moment, insulated from the world and devoted to one another's bliss.  

Speaking of mutual satisfaction and the them of giving and receiving, oral sex is a must on the 'to do' list. I'm not saying it has to happen every single time, in fact, I like to get finger fucking almost as much as someone going down on me. The key is that a person is comfortable with both performing and accepting oral pleasure.

One guy I've been talking to recently admitted he's got next to zero experience in oral sex. After I recovered from the shock of it, I was inwardly groaning about training someone in the how-to's. Then I got excited. I like being in charge. It'd be great to have a tabula rasa. I could teach someone exactly what works for me. I'm hellbound; not evil, but definitely naughty. I was hoping to find a guide to hasten my downward spiral, but corrupting the heavenbound would have its perks.

As with any man I invite to my bed, my goal would be to discover what rocks his world. I look forward to trying my bag of tricks to see what technique is the best form of sweet torture in bringing him to climax. It ain't over 'til the hot guy cums. Oh how I delight in taking someone close to the point of no return and bringing them down again so they want it all the more. Booyah. Eventually, I put someone out of their misery (begging not required, but awesome all the same).

Speaking of screaming, I could  go into the language of my sexual escalation. I'm expressive. For my part, the more excited I get, the more my mind goes blank. A good fuck renders me inarticulate. Imagine that.

The coital continuum:
Stage 1 - Guidance: "Oh that feels good. Do that again. Right there. Mmm, just like that."
Stage 2 - Placation: "I want you inside me."
Stage 3 - Losing Coherence: "Oh fuuuuck."
Stage 4 - Monosyllabic or action words: "Yea!" "Ohhhh." "Harder!" "Faster!"
Stage 5 - Obscenity and divinity: "Oh fuck, oh God, oh my fucking God. Holy fuck."
Stage 6 - Incapable of speech: ohhhhhhhmmmnnnuhhh...

More to come... :P

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